3 reasons why the introduction of the sarcasm mark into language may very well spell an irreversible and hellish change in our existence

1.

This is a British person

The British language contains no less than 14 different words for sarcasm. Trumping Coal, Harry Potter, and Hugh Grant sarcasm is Britain’s greatest export, accounting for 157% of it’s GDP (Warning: previous statement or may not be sarcastic). It is also scientific law that every third sentence out of a brits mouth must be highly sarcastic, or else he/she will immediately burst into flame (notable exceptions to this rule are at least 35% of British women (all women) and Margret Thatcher).

She actually has the ability to stare straight into your soul. Souls making up the largest share of her food, I’ll give you one guess at the second (hint: it’s children stuffed with puppies and nails).

The British coming of age ceremony, though never actually observed by an outsider, is believed to revolve around a young person sarcasming a corgi until it explodes, the blast actually producing an easily intelligible Harrumph. Early studies have shown that the addition of a sarcasm mark to the British language may cripple the written language so far that it cannot be recovered. The trump card is that since 2000 the amount of would be conversations had by British people which have been replaced by texts has reached 95%. Many of you may say ’so what Dylan? Why should I care if British people are to be reduced to essentially language-less moneys?’ Bellow is my counter point.

I believe that I have rendered your argument invalid.

2.

This is how the majority of the rest of the world views Americans

How far we have come

Canadians are also victims

The new prime minister (or Grand Poo Ba in Canadian) passed a law taking away his horse

The reason these views exist are because while the rest of us are busy being scared into a coma by global warming, nano bots, and super bacteria, a large part of the population are in fact retarded (see: ‘those who watch fox news’). Just as two spies among the enemy we must be able to communicate without alerting the enemy. Enter sarcasm.

Utilizing sarcasm allows those with an intellect to have entire conversations without idiots realizing that we are showing them to be…well…what they are. This is used in every facet of society (well almost, word is still out on WWE, NASCAR, and FOX NEWS announcers, extensive tests have show that they are actually serious when performing the clown-show for which get paid). This is true even, and sometimes especially, on the internet. This is where we will actually experience the damage done by the sarcasm mark. We will literally (possibly not literal) be clogging the tubes with upside-down @ signs.

It’s not a big truck

But why can’t smart people just not use the sarcasm mark you ask? Well i’ve made the logical deduction that if we think it is okay to add a sarcasm mark then we have collectively sniffed enough paint that internet sarcasm police are sure to follow (they’re a kind of bastardized thought police but as it turns out that sarcasm police would have no souls). Once intellectuals no longer have this ability communication between them will essentially stop and we will never be able to emerge from a world of Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, and Rush Limbaugh. This is scientifically proven to cause brain damage similar to that seen in long term crystal meth users.

Projected appearance of average Miley Cyrus fan at age of 30

3.

The slippery slope analysis

So what? It’s a mark labeling sarcasm, a notoriously hard to understand concept only actually invented in 1943 by the Brits to torture German POW’s (Germans lack the humour gland present in most of the rest of the species, excellent candidates for the first sarcasm police) into revealing information. But what’s next? Irony marks will probably come next (I have just been informed that these actually exist, good god). We will no longer be able to appreciate that it is funny when a woman’s study course is taught by a 60 year old man (though compelling arguments have been presented to say that introduction of one of these to every woman’s study courses will cause them to eliminate into light, much like matter and anti matter. In the end a positive outcome).

Then play on words marks maybe. Our puns will die, simple rhyming is shore then to follow, those who would have used these previously will be too-fucking-fed-up-with-this-bullshit to even bother writing. The music industry will lose any intelligence, losing any positive characteristics and degrading to such a level that it is unrecognizable by those who love music. Then what is after that? The simplest of human emotions? Mad marks? Sad marks? Marks to let others know that we are happy?……oh god……. …. :’( …

THEIR ALREADY HERE! RUN, FUCK, GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!

We're going to be doing one thing and one thing only... Killing Nazi

Brad Pitt as the Jewish-Badass-Lieutenant-Aldo-Raine SERIOUSLY fucks shit up in this 2009 Tarantino movie. How anyone can see this movie and not be awestruck by its greatness baffles me. The dialogue in this movie is one of the most intense I’ve ever experienced, Tarantino makes sure every sentence is meaningful and perfectly delivered. People who criticize this movie for being too slow obviously have autism and physically cannot understand the tension that is building. Inglourious Basterds is by far the most suspenseful and coolest movie I’ve seen in a long time. Not to ruin anything, but my favourite part of this movie, is when it looks history right in eye and says…. fuck you.

Lt. Aldo Raine: When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y’all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin’.

#2 Star Trek

Spock and James T. Kirk

J.J. Abrams’ version of Star Trek kicked ass. Without ruining what was great about the original, this version added awesome special effects to a great story. Zachary Quinto, which most people will know as Sylar from Heroes, plays Spock amazingly and Chris Pine plays the young Captain Kirk. Thankfully those with no talent get cast in roles that make them look retarded. While on the topic of no talent, Eric Bana is cast as the ridiculously revengeful Romulan Captain Nero, who wants to destroy Spock because he tried to save Nero’s home planet but failed. Thankfully, Eric Bana is perfect for the role as a raged out whiny captain of a super overpowered mining ship. However, the best part of this movie: the guest appearance of none other than R2D2 (Oh yeah, the original Spock makes it in too).

#3 District 9

District 9, directed by Peter Jackson and featuring 10 foot tall aliens who are nicknamed “Prawns”, is a great movie. The movie is about an alien ship that comes down to Earth and simply sits hovering in the sky near Johannesburg, South Africa. When nothing happens, the human race gets curious and investigates the ship and find it full of aliens. The ship can’t go anywhere so the aliens set up a refugee camp on the outskirts of the city, that really should be classified as a shanty town. Somewhat predictably, the humans get frustrated with having to support another species who’s resentful of their poor living arrangements and decide to take action. This move is a great social commentary on how humans hate anything “different” and displays just how cruel humans can be. But don’t be put off by social messages, this movie is extremely cool and will leaving you pondering the true meaning of ‘lightning gun’.

See our review.

#4 Up

Up is a brilliant family film. It toes the line between children and adults perfectly. While any movie directed at kids is going to have a level of stupid jokes, Up manages to keep them clever and with ‘kid appeal’. It definitely develops into an incredibly emotional movie that was definitely pulling at a few of my heart strings. My only question for the movie: Where does the water for Paradise Falls come from? All in all, the childish parts are stupid enough for kids to find hilarious without aggravating their parents watching with them (unlike Jar Jar) while also having some legitimate substance.

#5 Zombieland

Woody Harrelson is Tallahassee a gun wielding, Jack Daniels swilling, zombie slaying badass who needs to find the last Twinkie on the planet. He is headed towards, you guessed it, Tallahassee, Florida, but on the way he meets Columbus, a wussy loner who’s more afraid of clowns than zombies. This awesome duo (Woody Harrelson taking the lions share of awesome) travel the country in a Hummer loaded with what could only be construed as a “fuck ton” of guns

There’s something on Earth called English and some people need to learn how to use it. If you know how to communicate with other people using a language, do so properly. Whether it’s surfing the emo-ridden MySpace pages*, talking to people online, or perusing the Internet on a whole, I cannot escape the people who mangle the English language. Grammar, punctuation, capitalization and spelling – LEARN TO USE THEM. I mean honestly, how can anyone actually think people take them seriously when they “spk n tk lk ths”**. I’m sorry, did I miss the press conference where vowels were banned from the English language? What about periods? I didn’t realize that it made sense to write an entire paragraph without using a period or any other form of punctuation. Oh wait, that’s because IT DOESN’T. Unless you wrote Paradise Lost, which you didn’t, stop making your writing more convoluted and pointless than it already is. If you think that I’m one of the hordes of people that “doesn’t understand you”, quit your emo bullshit – just because “no one understands you” doesn’t mean you’re a poor, suffering artist.

When I’m talking to someone or reading something online, I really do not want to have to sit there for a good 20 minutes deciphering what the fuck you’re trying to say. I don’t have your stupid little decoder ring that you got in your box of Count Chocula when you were three years old, so save me my time (It’s actually worth something unlike you ignorant babbling cretins.) and speak like you have an education that’s higher than a fourth grader’s.

*(I don’t actually look at emo profiles on MySpace. This is called sarcasm. It is a literary device used in the English language that only semi-intelligent people will understand. If you didn’t understand that, close your browser window, turn off your computer and repeatedly bludgeon yourself in the head with it – now you have an excuse to speak like a great big fucking moron: severe head trauma.)

**(A vague and pathetic attempt at communicating through English; what this is trying to say is “speak and talk like this”. For references sake, this is an exert of a form of communication someone sent me earlier this evening. I can’t make this up – I would rather sandblast my face off than write like that.)

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You can't put a badass combo involving Peter Jackson, aliens, South Africa, and MORE FUCKING ALIENS into one word. Math fails us.

It’s quite apparent that everyone around the globe knows who Peter Jackson is. Making movie epics from scripture that have highly critical fanbases is something he does in his sleep. Lord of the Rings? Not just one or two movies, but THREE. He grand-slammed a trifecta that oozes gorgeous scenery and lets you escape to Middle Earth for 3 days if you watch all three extended versions. Next up, the giant and misunderstood ape, KING MOTHERFUCKING KONG. Yeah, likewise, he crafted another ridiculously epic movie that took people’s expectations, shot them in the kneecaps and then crushed their skulls between two hammers. Peter Jackson reigns supreme and he’s the one making this movie.

So what else does this movie have to offer? Uhhh…. like fucking EVERYTHING. Usually when you go to a movie, you remember all the exciting bits and the “HOLY-SHIT!” moments (unless your movie has Hugh Grant in it… Hugh Grant movies wreck EVERYTHING). This movie is one continuous “HOLY-SHIT-THAT-WAS-AWESOME!” moment. No, really, it is.

The movie starts out by getting the viewer up to speed with the situation in South Africa. Let’s just stop for a minute and reiterate that this movie is FICTION, which means it is NOT REAL, and there are NO ALIENS IN SOUTH AFRICA (that we know of…). Pretty much, a massive alien mothership appears over Johannesburg, 20

years ago, and just hovers there. (Note: It does not blow up the White House all Independence Day style.) After shitting their pants thinking everyone was going to die, the human race gets curious and cuts a hole in the mothership with blowtorches, not even thinking that it could be a GIANT TRAP, or A BOMB, or A TRASH RECEPTACLE. If it was an M. Night Shyamalan movie, it could also be: something from the 1500’s or a FOREST FIRE or the movie is just something from Gary Busey’s mind.

But it isn’t, so and come across aliens who have been living like homeless people while hovering because a bunch of squishy pink lifeforms scare the crap out of them. They’re fucking aliens, they could CRUSH US. Anyway, the human race goes all Make-A-Wish Foundation on them and sets up an alien shanty town outside of Johannesburg for them. So the aliens should honor their debt to humanity with some kind of intergalactic gold currency and give us their powerful, powerful technology right?

NO. THAT’S COMPLETELY INCORRECT. By some sort of terrible luck, it turns out aliens are kind of like us and decide that living in a town made of sheet metal blows hard. The result: They decide to turn the area into something that resembles the rest of Africa. They steal from humans to exchange for food (not any food. CAT FOOD. THE FUCKING ALIENS LOVE CAT FOOD), set up INTERSPECIES PROSTITUTION RINGS, scavenge meat from garbage, lay eggs in bovines, and then the Nigerians get all up in there and setup alien cockfighting rings. (No, the aliens do not fight amongst themselves armed only with their dicks. Although that WOULD be AWESOME.)

Then, everything goes to shit and humans hate this alien species because they didn’t give them gold. So, they get this Wikus character to move them further outside of Johannesburg because people in South Africa haven’t heard the story of the cat that came back the very next day. This probably because in South Africa, if you abandon something by the side of the road, it’s instantly engulfed in a horrible death ball of lions, crocodiles, hyenas, stampeding buffalo and venomous snakes.

Keywords: District 9, Peter Jackson, South Africa, cat food, aliens, INTERSPECIES PROSTITUTION

Rating: 9 alien appendages. Don’t worry, the aliens don’t have 9 limbs, there’s just a lot of lost limb-age going on in this movie. As in decapitation of the arm. And it’s just ridiculously badass. As in probably one of the best alien movies made after the year 2000. (War of the Worlds – Tom Cruise edition does NOT make that list.)

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It’s like a real-life version of Red vs. Blue, except hot women are in it.
Ahh, here’s a movie with a giant legend to live up to. G.I. Joe, the supposed great American hero, or at least according to the theme song when I was 8. Well, let’s look at it logically here. Do we have a solid, pre-conditioned plot line to NOT fuck up with? Check. Do we have a reason to include ridiculously awesome, over-the-top violence? Check. Are there explosions? Check. Is it in English? Check. Do we have a wildly attractive female pro- and antagonist? FUCKING CHECK.

THEN WHY WAS THIS MOVIE SO FUCKING BAD?

It literally has all the prerequisites for a successful summer action movie. Instead, the damn trailers bait people with a horrificly stupid movie that left me wondering whether some idiot at the theatre switched the film reels by accident. Except not actually by accident, he switched it for his high school drama project. No, I’m not kidding. What kind of fucking idiot calls those special effects? THEY WERE TERRIBLE. Honestly, I could have done a better fucking job. What makes it completely inexcusable is that they included their shots of shitty special effects in COMPLETELY, UN-NECESSARY CUTS.

A car pulls up to the mansion… AHH, FUCK YOU, COMMON SENSE, LET’S PUT A SUPER PIXELATED AERIAL VIEW. Oh thanks, now you not only showed me craptacular special effects, but you made me feel like an 84-year old woman with a bout of vertigo from stupid cuts…. Thanks.

Another thing this movie decidedly shunned was some simple laws of basic physics that even a non-high school graduate would know. Hell, even my illegitimate 3-year old child (who hopefully doesn’t exist) knows this kind of stuff. So if you haven’t seen this movie, then you won’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and if you have, then I hope to GOD that you realized what stupidity I’m talking about. If not, I fear that humanity shall not survive another generation.

Example Number One: Girl riding a motorcycle across multiple lanes of traffic in Paris. Motorcycle gets HIT by a fucking CAR. Motorcycle is jarred and moves one foot to the side but continues on its original path. If what you’re thinking is “HMMM, THAT SEEMS PERFECTLY LOGICAL.”, then you are a FUCKING IDIOT. If you’ve ever been in, witnessed or heard of a motor vehicle accident, then you know that when two vehicles moving at high speed collide, shit breaks, and the smaller one goes way fucking further. What was this, a super fucking motorcyle? NO. You might think that since it’s a member of an elite tactical team riding it, but NO, she fucking STOLE IT from some random French guy. Just kicked a random motorcyclist in the face and STOLE his transportation. Will he get compensation? Probably not, I doubt his insurance company covers “getting kicked in the face by a female member of an elite American tactical squad”. But then again, they are French… (It’s no wonder they hold a grudge like a prom date who didn’t get fucked right.)

Example Number Two: Villan’s base located in icy/snowy barren landscape. Turns out landscape is actually an ice shelf. Base extends downward into ice shelf. Good guys raid base. Through an explosion of concentrated idiocy and maybe an accelerant, the base decides to collapse, blow up and break everything. (This includes the ice shelf). Now here’s the great part, the supposedly intelligent American tactical squad makes their escape using a state-of-the-art undersea submersible (or just submarine). One idiot on the squad declares, “Oh no, we have to make our escape quickly or else tonnes of steel and ice will come crashing down on us!”. The team, or remainder of idiots, stolidly nods their head in agreement. If what you’re thinking is “YES, AMERICAN TACTICAL SQUAD, YOU ARE CORRECT IN THINKING THIS SCENARIO COULD OCCUR ON THE PLANET EARTH”, then you’re fucking up the already ruined gene pool. Oh, I’m sorry (not really), but WHAT THE FUCK. I mean, seriously? SINCE FUCKING WHEN DOES ICE SINK IN WATER? You know, in the summer, that ice sure does fucking sink eh? NO. In case you’re actually this stupid, ICE DOES NOT FUCKING SINK. In water, ice fucking FLOATS. As in, buoyant, or CANNOT CRUSH A SUBMARINE. I mean, if ice sank, then the Titanic would still be around, ice shelfs wouldn’t exist, and cold beverages in the summer would be WAY EASIER to drink. Regardless, the moron who wrote this script deserves death by firing squad shooting toothpicks at him. I mean, really, this script bleeds worse than a writhing epileptic on a bed of broken glass.

So what are the upsides to this movie? My personal favourite is the Baronness. Hell yeah, she decided to throw tactical body armour out the window in exchange for skin-tight black latex, with a strategically positioned zipper on the front that discreetly gets lower as the movie progresses. I know something I’d like to strategically do to her. So who is this striking young thing? Well, Wikipedia says she’s “a dark, sensual femme fatale whose beauty is matched only by her ruthlessness“. And she’s played by Sienna Miller, who, in case you haven’t brushed up on your international supermodels lately, is an international supermodel. To counter this crushing blow of sensuality on the evil side, the G.I. Joe team has Scarlett, a ravishing redhead who is scientific at heart and whose quote is, “Beauty may only be skin deep, but lethal is to the bone.” KA-CHING. Real name: Rachel Nichols, and guess how she got into the show business? That’s right, homegrown USA supermodel. Guess how these two make the movie even better? When there’s a catfight between the two of them, as they both sport revealing clothing and vocalize like Maria Sharapova at a tennis match.

Another upside, Snake Eyes. He’s a character so badass that he doesn’t say a word the entire movie. You also don’t get to see any of his skin, because he wears a TOTAL black jumpsuit over every inch of his body. What does this mean? He’s obviously some crazy hybrid of a human and either robot or alien because he apparently doesn’t need to breathe, as per no nose or mouth hole in the suit. Also, you know those mindless trailers where they get Dennis Quaid to say, “These are G-6 Accelerator suits.” And then some idiot is like, “What do they accelerate?”, to which Quaid wittlessly responds, “You.” Then you have to act like you’re a 12-year old whose mind just got blown because the suit ACCELERATES the WEARER. That isn’t as big a fucking deal as the movie makes it seem because Snake Eyes doesn’t need a suit to run at fucking 60 mph through Paris, further proof of his superhuman-ness. Oh and also, his weapon is a samurai sword. So he’s obviously badass. He also has a nemesis on Cobra, whose name is Storm Shadow. So he’s also pretty badass, and they have fights with samurai swords which results in some really fucking cool stuff happening.

Just a few words of advice, don’t go see this movie expecting some stupid Oscar-winning performance and Academy Award level writing. It just isn’t like that. If you want some solid action sequences and women who are RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE, then G.I. Joe is hands-down the movie you want to go see. And if you’re a girl, there’s Channing Tatum with a facial scar. He was previously in Step Up where he probably danced in the rain while surrounded by people swaying to the music wearing hoodies in some sort of weird urban cult sacrificial slaughter thing. (That is what Step Up is about, right?) But, in G.I. Joe, his breakthrough action movie, according to one of my witty co-workers, he just couldn’t STEP UP to the performance. Did you see what he did there? He being my co-worker. It was a joke, by the way.

Keywords: GI Joe, The Rise of Cobra, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, The Baroness, Snake Eyes, Channing Tatum, Duke, attractive supermodels, samurai sword, lack of reality

Rating: 4. Just a 4. Not a “4 samurai slices”. Not a foursome with you and the two female protagonists and another female of your choice. Just fucking four. Why? Because if a movie doesn’t fucking understand that ice doesn’t sink in real life, then I’m not wasting my hyperboles on it. So fuck you, I’m giving it a four.

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Pretty much a movie about the collective youth's childhood dream.

Dylan and Steve are lost in a video store and the time for picking a movie is running short. In a last ditch effort to fight the possibility of going to bed way too goddamn late to wake up for work the next day, a decision was made to act. Fanboys was picked as the tool to hold back the monotonous boredom shrouding this Wednesday, like a single Jedi among rushing storm troopers. The journey home was one filled with trials and tribulation (and this goddamn massive hill of Satan by my house). Upon return to the home couch, the battle for a good review began, and with all phasers on kill…. FUCK. Sorry folks.

Any one who has seen Star Wars (i.e. everyone over 30 and everyone else who decided young not to be an asshole), even in a casual fashion, will recognize Fanboys for what it is… a comical reminder of HOW AWESOME STAR WARS IS.

Disclaimer: I have never dressed as a wookie for Halloween. I have never built a blaster or armor out of PVC, I did not nickname my right hand Leia. I did have a toy Millennium Falcon when I was a kid. If you don’t like Star Wars, please leave. We dn’t take kindly ta yur types ‘rund her.

Now, the things to know about this film. First, and foremost, the existence of Kristen Bell (who should really just change her name to Elle so we can save time when she becomes my bride) and a shot of her ass (Interested? Thought so).

Moving on. If I happened to be lame enough to have some stupid arbitrary rating system, (I mean really? What kind of idiot would have one of those…) I would give this movie 8 EPIC CAMEOS OF AWESOMENESS. To name a few: Carrie Fisher (if you don’t know, I don’t like you), Kevin Smith, Danny Trejo (that’s right motherfuckers, Machete was in this movie. Fuck ya), and the greatest man of all time, Denny Crane… oops… William Shatner. Guess who Shatner plays in this movie? RHETORICAL QUESTION. HIS OWN AWESOME SELF. That’s right, Shatner is so fucking cool he is naturally a movie character. Bow down to him. Oh, and did I mention Lando is there too? That might as well have been the bell to my classily conditioned epicness gland. Seth Rogan also plays two characters, the best of which is the Trekkie (Sorry Trekker) who, along with is group of alien friends, get their asses handed to them on a platter which happened to be the most epically painted van the human mind can comprehend without exploding into a gooey mess.

All together this movie presents a near perfect mix of Star Wars, Kristen Bell, fake lightsaber battles and cancer (how does cancer fit in, it might, it might not, I bet you want to watch it now, huh?), to keep me obnoxiously laughing for the full hour and a half.

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I reiterate he relieves his victims of his heads

Okay, firstly, yes, this is a foreign film, but DO NOT WORRY because this isn’t a movie where you need that “cultural appreciation” bullshit (or any culture at all for that matter). This movie is exactly what the name and era imply. It’s a 1980’s dubbed Japanese movie called ‘Shogun Assassin’. You should KNOW that this movie is going to be great. And oh my, is it ever… It’s even been banned from 1983 onwards and has the best DVD cover quote I’ve seen: “He whips out his sword and relieves his victims of their heads!!” Holy… shit.

I’ll throw in a quick note that this movie is chock-a-fucking-block with EPIC QUOTES, and some of them you may recognize. How could you have heard such an awesome phrase and not remember its origin? Easy, the openings of a number of songs from Wu-Tang Clan’s album 36 Chambers featured quotes from this movie.

As the norm with feudal-era Japan, the lands are ruled by a evil Shogun with the most badass haircut in the movie. Well, maybe 2nd most badass haircut once you see the kid. So this Shogun naturally assumes that everyone wants to kill him because he… is Shogun?
Then through a natural procession of logic, he decides to avoid being killed he should strike first and KILL ALL THE SAMURAI. Despite how that would leave no one to rule over, he fucking does it anyway because he’s the goddamn Shogun and if you fuck with the Shogun he WILL kill you, even if you didn’t fuck with the Shogun. So pretty much, the Shogun will just kill you because he can. Since the main character is a samurai, the Shogun decides to fucking murder him through the thought process described above. But I guess the Shogun didn’t realize the main character’s nickname. His nickname is “THE DECAPITATOR”. I don’t know about you, but when I hear someone is named the fucking Decapitator, I don’t do shit that pisses him off. I’d much rather just STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HIS WAY. And if you’re smugly sitting at your computer calling me a pansy, then you’re a fucking idiot. Why? BECAUSE I LIKE MY GODDAMN HEAD.

Do you think you can guess what the name of the main character is? Well, whatever you guessed, it’s wrong. It’s not Hong, or Fuji, or Elijah (why would you even guess Elijah, you idiot), it’s LONE WOLF. Yes, that’s right, LONE WOLF. So the Shogun decides to anger a guy called LONE WOLF, THE DECAPITATOR.

Holy fucking shit. THAT was that a bad idea.

The Shogun tries to kill Lone Wolf the Decapitator but instead kills his wife. Now Lone Wolf dedicates his life to killing the Shogun. With his son. Who narrates the movie. And has a haircut that is BADASS. So badass that even I can’t explain it in phrases peppered with profanity and vulgar terms.

From then on, the Shogun constantly sends minions, teams and even small armies on missions to kill Lone Wolf and his son. Unfortunately for them, Lone Wolf earned his name for a fucking reason and teaches them the true meaning of pain by hacking their katanas in half and then imbedding the sharp end through their necks, leaving them to spurt blood from their neck holes, collapse to the ground and wonder why the FUCK they didn’t just stick to farming the rice paddies.

After a couple of these attacks, Lone Wolf just gets bored, because his fights aren’t hard enough and heads straight for the Shogun’s fortress. Armed with a katana and his 2-year old son strapped to his back, he spills enough blood to fill the Grand Fucking Canyon. Turns out that his fortress wasn’t even enough of a challenge, and the Shogun whole-heartedly agreed. To compensate for this, the Shogun decides to send his battle-hardened sons against THE DECAPITATOR, which is equivalent to throwing your infant into an industrial meat grinder and hoping that it gets squeezed out in one piece. Dream the fuck on, Shogun…

Anyway, later in the movie, the son gets involved while sitting in the little wooden cart, there are female assassin teams, hidden wooden forest ninjas, and three brothers known as the “Masters of Death” or “Legions of Doom” or something like that. It’s fucking crazy, and there’s a fucking crazy amount of blood, fucking crazy amount of death and a fucking crazy amount of “HOLY FUCK DID THAT ACTUALLY JUST FUCKING HAPPEN? NO FUCKING WAY. THE DECAPITATOR IS MY NEW PERSONAL HERO. AHHHHHHHH BLOOD IS SPURTING OUT OF MY EYEBALLS AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.”

Believe it.

Keywords: Shogun Assassin, 1980 dub, 36 Chambers, Feudal Japan, Shogun, THE DECAPITATOR, Lone Wolf, badass haircut

Rating: 9 unbelievably fucking awesome quotes. As in 9 out of 10. Worthy of the prestigious “Most Badass Dubbed Quotes While Bathed In Blood” Award. Just read this: “Choose the sword and you will join me, choose the ball and you join your mother in death. You don’t understand my words, but you must choose. Son, come boy, choose life or death.” Yeah. He is ready to murder his son. You have never seen a movie like this.

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I’ll start off by assuming that you all know the plot, and if you don’t there’s this thing called reading that you might want to try out, it comes in these things called… bouks, I believe. That being the case, I’m going to try this review another way, let’s call it the Aristotle meets Hunter s. Thompson approach.

First point, and it’s not surprising really, but in this movie, Harry Potter’s character IS ONCE AGAIN COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. He barely has much of a hand in moving the plot forward, he kind of sidelines and pokes the plot with a stick every now and then to legitimize the title of the movie. On the point of the title, the “Half-Blood Prince” is mentioned less than 10 times in the entire movie, and when the big realization about the identity of the half blood prince appears it does so with stunning depth of detail… in one line. That’s all well and good seeing as the title of the movie should have been changed anyway, I’m thinking HARRY POTTER – THE AMAZING STORY OF HOW HE MISSED PUBERTY. This director is either a genius or OR HAD A RETARDED MONKEY – probably the same one who wrote Harry’s dialogue – READ HIM THE BOOK, I’m leaning toward the latter. The main reason for this “fact” is that the worst lines in the movie, without the shadow of a doubt, are given to the 3 ‘main’ characters. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET THAT PAST

ROWLING? Although she’s probably ‘Cartman-rolling’ in too much pre-pubescent money to care (God knows I would be). Perhaps there were too many subtleties of speech for me to pick up on, but in truth it was probably just written with the 10,000 monkey typewriter approach.

I would also like to make a few amendments concerning the potions presented that should have been fixed for the movie:1. The love potion shall now be known as the “I-spiked-your-drink-with-GHB-and-am-going-to-lead-your-stupor-into-a-dark-alley potion.2. Liquid Luck… Hmmm…. Not quite as catchy as the “I-just-took-2-caps-of-MDMA-so-fuck-off-I’m-going-for-a-walk”… potion.3. Lastly The Draught of Living Death…. Ohhhhhh…. Scary…. Although perhaps a better name would be the “Guess-what?-I-have-that-under-my-sink-and-it-is-called-Drain-O” potion.

The real pain in the ass about this movie (and I suppose it’s the books fault, but the movie is just such a cushy target) is that the real main character, and the most irrefutably bad ass one, GETS PUSHED OFF A TOWER. what the FUCK. Dumbledore, the-not-as-cool-as-Gandolf-but-he’s-trying character, was the only reason worth seeing these movies and now he’s dead (although it isn’t lost on me that two older men with long hair and who took a little too much interest in teenage boys died within weeks of one another). Now Alan Rickmen is the only string pulling me back for the next installment, and as cool as he is, it’s a god damn tenuous string. Am I also the only one who sees that Malfoy stomps the shit out of Harry when it comes to being a true classic tragic character? But I guess it doesn’t take an 10th grade education to make movies anymore (or write books, I suppose).

I refuse to pan this movie anymore because I get the distinct feeling that I’m flogging a dead horse, and my arm is getting goddamn tired. I’ll simply finish by saying that it served its purpose, namely to give critics the fodder they deserve and make some people the kind of money that God envies.

Dylan’s quote of the movie:

Sorry, pulling a blank here folks. Don’t blame me, go punch a script writer. It’ll make the world a better place.

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The man who played Jesus Christ is being described as "Beowulf vs Predator"? We call Bullshit. We win.

It’s been decided to mix things up here, simply because we felt it would take two minds simply to convey how OUTRAGEOUSLY TERRIBLE this movie actually was.
This movie definitely had no excuse to suck as much as it did. It had what any normal person would recognize as an unbeatable combination of pure, channeled awesomeness: Vikings, intergalactic space travel, pissed-off intergalactic aliens, men in intergalactic armor who carry intergalactic weapons capable of incinerating a 3,000 year old and 200 foot Douglas fir. (Potentially, could be in-accurate.) The “movie” further lulled us into a false sense of decent-ness when the first English word uttered by the main character was Mr. York’s favourite expletive deletive: “FUCK”. Unfortunately, soon into this movie (as in 10 minutes) we recognized the undeniable downslope of this plot when he TOOK OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING INTERGALACTIC SPACE ARMOR, which further compounded his ineptitude considering his spaceship was felled by a GIGANTIC GLOWING ALIEN BEAST WITH NINE FUCKING TAILS OF DEATH. Soon after this travesty of a decision, he loses his MASSIVE SPACE BLASTER by wandering from an open area in which he could have mowed down anybody approaching, and instead opting for dense shrubbery where he could be, and soon was, snuck up on and beaten over the head with a stick. Essentially, this dumbass got assaulted by Ewoks. With Viking helmets. Viking Ewoks. AWESOME.

One upside to this rather depressing amalgamation of script written by stupid people (ahem… not us), is that in the future we can download information into our brain. Information which people knew in the past. As in past information. Like how the Vikings considered the world to be flat. WHICH IS OBSOLETE. Strangely though, this movie ALSO believes that back in the era of Vikings, DNA was a widely accepted factual point. Odd.

In tandem, we were able to foresee every plot occurrence and “twist” at least half an hour prior to their happening. Also, the ending of this movie was inherently obvious about say… half an hour into our cinematographical screening. (Definitely a word.)

One event that were NOT able to foresee however, was when this un-important red-haired ginger woman was tending to the Outlander’s wounds, he didn’t just punch her unconscious, he SLAPPED her unconscious. As in she fell to the ground senseless from an open-palmed SLAP. Then about 6 hours later when she awoke, there was no evidence of such a slap. No bruise, no contusions, probably a bit of brain damage from her pointless doe-eyed expressions throughout the movie though. Conclusion: they really don’t make women like they used to – tools for venting manly frustrations.
Go ahead, hit her. It’s the redhead’s function.

No really, it’s evolutionaryily proven. I swear.

The longer we watched this movie, the more complaints we had and the more issues we developed. Firstly, they attempt to make a cool Viking throwback reference by including Eric the Red as a small child who gets inspired by the Outlander’s ability to cut hair with a dagger. It was kind of stupid because the small child was fucking BLONDE. As in CHILDREN OF THE CORN BLONDE. On top of THAT, the movie proceeds to display that when intoxicated, Vikings show an odd fetish of running and front-flipping off each other’s shields when they are held aloft. They then named it the appropriate name of “Shields”. How creative of them. Then they idolize one man’s ability to metabolize alcohol and be unbeatable at Shields. Until the Outlander comes, OF COURSE.

With the Outlander’s plethora of knowledge, he finally gets the wonderful idea in the last 20 minutes of the movie of, “Hey, I should probably go back to my spaceship and reap the rewards of that intergalactic technology.” What makes this even worse is that the “movie” is ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG. So about 55 minutes wayyyy too long. It should also be mentioned that when salvaging his impressive repetoire of technological advances, he somehow has the ability to hold his breath for SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES. Seven minutes? REALLY? Well then, move a-fucking-side Michael Phelps… here comes the Outlander.

The one redeeming factor of this “movie” was perhaps some of the violence. It is a known fact that any movie with Vikings in it has AWESOME fight sequences and any movie with intergalactic aliens in it has EPIC fight sequences. Together that makes EPICLY AWESOME fight sequences. Notable moments of OUTRAGINGNESSLY FANTASTICAL include: when the man gets a good view of his southern orifices when he gets “folded in half” and “ripped through a wall”, and when the man gets his skull crushed by a large Viking man with two large warhammers (No, we aren’t talking about collectable toys here kids) and giving rise to a new meaning of ‘hammerhead’.

Keywords: Outlander, Vikings, intergalactic aliens, spacecraft and weaponry, Eric the Red, 115 minutes, slap-a-bitch

Rating: 4 predictable fucking plot twists. You can’t really call something a plot twist if it involves an occurrence that everyone in the audience knows is going to happen. For example, in the first Spiderman movie, when Peter Parker pulls down his mask while hanging upside-down, no one thought, “Well, now he’ll wrap his flaming tongue around Kirsten Dunst and then rip off her head in a Mortal Kombat-esque fatality sequence.” No, they obviously thought they were going to kiss. As a result, in any Hollywood movie, it’s fairly obvious that after you slap a woman in the face, you’re GOING to fall in love with her and destroy your inter-time/galactic space transponder in order to stay with her. What I don’t view is obvious is finding a magma-filled cavern about 30 feet underneath a Viking village. Why? BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Fucking STUPID.

Dylan’s quote of the movie:

Outlander : “Fuck..” – which nicely summed up my feelings at the end of the movie.