Outrageous Reviews

Student’s are in uproar this week after an announcement from the McGill Student’s Society that bleach can no longer be used on McGill property or by students. The rational behind the decision is apparently based on the controversial claim that ‘blond hair too unfairly promotes a caucasian agenda’. In an almost unanimous vote by the students society bleach is being immediately phased out of all use on campus, and by students as a whole. By next year possession of more than 25 ml’s will be a suspendable offense.
Many students have loudly denounced the claims made by the society, some students bringing forward such grievances as “My sheets used to be a nice white color, now I have no way to get out that stain John got on there when he was drunk, tripped on my carpet, and spilled his drink all over my bed”. White students are also outraged, replying to the decision with the statement ‘Most white people actually have brown hair, the blonds are in fact a huge minority, used mostly for entertainment. We reject the notion that every white person can be associated with blonds.’
This decision spells sure disaster for McGill’s annual ‘clean sheets, clean streets’ charity drive where homeless people are given months worth of food as well as bleach blond hair. The organizers of the yearly charity event released this statement – ‘The bleach is actually a relatively unimportant part of the event, it’s just a way we can get some recognition from the usually apathetic student body. Even so I don’t understand what were going to do now this close to the event’. As a consequence of the action the food that is normally given to the homeless will be ceremoniously burned, fuelled by copies of the section of the Canadian constitution which dictates universal freedom of speech and expression.
This decision seems to have found precedent in two earlier decisions by other Canadian universities, first a decision by Carlton to remove cystic fibrosis as a worthy charity because it is ‘you know, just one of those white people diseases, and do white people really need charity?’. The second decision is one made by Queens university to ban the use of Sumo Suits because it makes light of the current and constant deep felt resentment Canadian people have for the Japanese. As precedent piles up the student’s society of U of T is currently considering banning use of any on campus colour which could be associated with race, proposing a completely dark green, orange, and pink campus. When asked about this decision the only response was ‘We just really want to bring back that nineties feel…and oh ya, the race thing’. This reporter personally is for the decision, how can we possibly allow anyone to notice that other people can be of another race. We can’t ever have true peace until we are a homologous mass of humanity which are never allowed to talk, or preferably think, about human diversity.

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